(This entry was looking for a place to land for nearly a year)
June 8, 2018
Welcome to my blog. I would have never done this, considering that what the world doesn't need is another person's opinions online. BUT, after losing my sweet Karen, and finding precious little information from the Web, I have decided to share my experience of loss with others in the hope that it can be of some comfort or use to them. I know each person and their circumstances will be unique, but you may find something in mine to resonate with yours.
It's been 2 1/2 months since my wife passed onward, and it has been a whirlwind of emotional experiences. I have come up with 3 phrases that I think define the more monumental parts of that journey: Grief Buttons, Compassion Fatigue (OK, someone else actually came up with that), and Kaleidoscope.
My beloved's health had been declining for many years, and I was well aware of the fact that I would outlive her. I tried to prepare myself for it. My beloved had developed severe heart problems, and was transferred to CPMC in San Francisco for open heart surgery. Her heart failed the very first night she was there, and they could not restart it. I thank God that I made the journey down there even though I considered not going! My son, daughter, and her husband also came. We were in the waiting room, waiting for her to finish a CT scan, making small talk, but her heart stopped as they were bringing her to her room. I got "the call" telling me her status. By the time we got to her, she was gone. They tried diligently to restart her heart, but to no avail.
I will tell you this: nothing prepares you for your spouse's death. The first thing I experienced was shock. The loss of your spouse is the most dramatic, traumatic of experiences, and you will not be able to process it immediately. We had been together for 36 years, and deeply in love from the first until the end, and to think that the one I love is no longer with me is unbelievable in the truest sense of the word.
After a short time, about an hour of so, the reality of what had happened began to take hold, like a fertilized egg settling into the wall of the uterus where it will begin to grow. Then the grief began, and it was overwhelming. My advice to you is to embrace the grief, don't run from it, don't try and drown it out. You have lost the one you love, your partner, your best friend. To not experience the grief of that loss is to cheapen the beautiful life you shared together. You will experience deep, soul-wrenching pain. Accept that. Please. Grief is the emotional response to the loss of a loved one. It is a unique emotion. You have to have it. You just do, and it lessens with time. The alternative to not accepting it will be much more painful and damaging in the long run. How long the grief will hold you in a an unending grip varies a lot. For me it was about a month and a half. I am a person of faith, and I think that holds some bearing in the time frame. I talked with a customer of mine who lost his wife to cancer about 8 years ago. He also was deeply in love with his wife, and for him it took years. It is my hope that your experience won't be as long as that, though it might. Grief will be your new boss, and it is a demanding one indeed! As grief began to no longer hold me in a constant choke hold, that's when the grief buttons began to occur (the little button the gets pressed that will reduce you to tears). One minute I am fine, being driven down a country road by my brother and his wife, just looking at the beauty of the spring flowers, the next moment I am in tears thinking of how my Beloved would have really enjoyed seeing the flowers. You just become a living time bomb, never knowing what will reduce you to tears. This still happens, but much less frequently. And hey, you menfolk: if you think being stoic is some kind of strength, you are sorely mistaken. To tuck your feelings in so that you don't have to face them is certainly not a display of strength. It is simply denial.
The next phase I call the kaleidoscope. Every day brings a different set of emotions, a different experience, a different point of focus. There is no controlling this. As a matter of fact, life treats you like a child, puts you in a car seat and straps you in, taking you for a ride and ignoring your requests. You have no say in what happens, and no control over it. Best to just accept it as so. The truth is, when it comes to losing a spouse we are, for the most part, novices. That is both good and bad. I am hoping this blog will help you deal with this unknown new life just a little. I realize that knowledge is only a little beneficial. Like being handed a prison sentence, just knowing that you have one doesn't mean you don't have to do the time.
Let's talk about compassion fatigue, something that occurs after a tragic event has happened, be it personal, or to an entire community. You will, after the death of your spouse, find everyone you encounter says "I am so sorry for your loss, if there is anything I can do. . .?" Well, what can anyone do, really? It gets said as a kind way of trying to equalize the situation. Hopefully you have close family or friends that you can talk to, I mean really talk to. I had a wonderful display of support from family, church family, and friends. The sad reality is that people around you will soon lose sight of your loss. That is just human nature, and there is nothing wrong with that except you might experience your sense of loneliness heightened by finding everyone around you moving on. Everyone except you, that is. It's just a fact of life, don't go feeling sorry for yourself about it.
BEING IN LOVE WITH A DEAD PERSON
Here's another facet of the loss of your spouse that I don't see being discussed. My wife is no longer with me, yet I still love her deeply, so it comes to be I am in love with a dead person. Of course I am. Call it morbid, but I call it an unavoidable reality. Relax, it is NOT weird to be in love with a dead person, actually, it would be totally disappointing if you weren't! If you can accept this new and odd circumstance, you will be better off. The idea does take a little getting used to though, whether you believe that they have found residence in a new and fantastic place, or that they have just ceased to exist. The dealing with the reality of loss will have a similarity either way.
If there is one thing I learned from watching others before losing my spouse, it was this, remarrying right after losing your spouse is a REALLY bad idea. After grief came loneliness, and it made me really crazy for a while. I really missed female companionship, and it made me want to propose to the first woman who gave me a second thought. I just held on by my fingernails, knowing I needed a least a year to find myself in being solo, to get some perspective of my life such as it now was. I had a friend that remarried shortly after losing his wife. It was a disaster. The one bit of advice I did find online that was very helpful was the encouragement to not get involved with someone new right after losing your spouse. They said it was much better to marry for love that because of loneliness. They also said most widow(ers) remarry after the 3 to 5 years. Seemed like an eternity to me, but I knew they were right. After all, my marriage was magical and beautiful, and it would be wise to understand that such a relationship is a rare and precious find.
4/6/19 CHINESE WATER TORTURE
It's been just over a year and there's a constant: waking up to find her not there. Coming home to an empty house. For those around me the headlines of my life have to change because people around me are tired of them. It's just not news anymore. For me though, her absence is always the headlines of the day. I don't forget her. Ever. I am ever-aware that she is absent from my life. The woman whose presence was lubrication to my life. Everything turned so easily. With an understanding that I could have never possessed when she was here: I see that even fighting over stupid things with her was magnificent. Now life is much harder. It has made me reflect on what a pleasant distraction being in married and being in love really was. For me, the ultimate narcotic. Now I have to face human existence head on. Life has a strong head wind to it. It is the knowledge that this won't go away that wears on me. My consolation is that I am older and the end of it isn't that far away. When I spoke at her memorial, I said that for God to take her and leave me behind makes me feel responsible to make my life count for something. It is my new wedding vow. The love of her continues to be a strong force in day-to-day life. I am definitely not ready to give up my wedding ring, or change my Facebook status to "single".
I am grateful for the dreams at night where my mind makes up little romantic movies for her to star in. It is a most special gift to me. At regular intervals my dreams let me know my mind has not forgotten, the imprint of her loveliness is deep within it. We get to be together in those dreams. See, you are a smart little brain!
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